#43 Dear Tanya, At this point though I would like to create a boundary and consequences for his going for drinks afterwards at a very late hour which I find inappropriate and creates a cycle of sleep deprivation and more NPD actions for long periods of time. It's much like a child throwing a temper tantrum, and in fact, the mentality that learned this tactic was that of a child. But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. You do what you want and let others deal w it. I like some of the suggestion although I doubt it would work. Its been over a year. Insane. Try giving him the sort attention you crave. Thank you Kim and Steve for your inspirational insights Im trying to hang in there!!!! He is unwilling to change I have tried to work it our for my kids sake hes a good dad Just a lousy husband or even friend to me and I will be the bad guy if I divorce him because no one sees it or wants to. I just asked him via text after four years of love and devotion is he willing to give it all up for one moment of truth? I am done beating my head into a wall. I know he will never agree to have his check deposited into my account. I am looking for feedback hereI want to work on myself. The first time my son met him he said that man is bipolar and several other people said that about him. I could write an encyclopedia too. I am weaning myself at the moment out of a relationship with a very toxic individual who was the final nail in my rocky marriage. As I am writing, I am sitting in a beautiful Hotel in California, at the end of a 4 day all expense trip he won. Unfortunately he had already sold the offending computer to me he had manipulated me so much that i genuinely believed that what i had seen on the computer was my imagination i was the crazy one etc so that by the time the police arrested him he had bought a new computer. Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. I have been living his desires for all these years. I agree that at some point when theres no change, you cannot continue. I so tried to help and get help for this man as I have empathy for him because I know he is very unhappy also, but I can do no more for him. I was confused and insecure. Then a few months later I found out from you ex-wife that you slept with her several times during the time you spent with her and your kids. As for the promise, I finally had to stand my ground. Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. Is there law enforcement in your area that are likely to believe and protect you or is exposing the rape going to put you in further danger? Mostly, I hope you will, if youre reading this. Naturally being codependent I resolved that one and pretended all was fine but felt deeply hurt. Everyone needs different ideas and I thank you for adding yours to the discussion. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. Finally understanding that my relationship with my mother was actually a relationship with a narcissist was the key to the rest of my life. totally convinced her that he would take care of her til she died yeah put her in rest home and she never came out. That money was for her college fund. The stress of this is hard and I have known him for a long time. Debbie says to a narcissist marriage equals money and talks about the childlike behavior. How does one stay true themselves, their daughter and the man they love, while N is determined to destroy the love of a family he so wanted and created, without hurting everyone, and still finding a way to mend what is so very broken? What are they gonna do? The 2nd counselor I went to by myself(after the couples attempt, where he wanted to be friends) told me he was likely a narcissist. Can we now part?! I had my ex boyfriend arrested for assault. Very spiritual, as well. Was left for me is to accept the real him and stop falling for the fantasy of who I would like him to be. I have come out of the fog, realizing how much I have been lied to & manipulatedI had feel under is spell and had the gas lighting tactic used on meand I am wanting him to be held accountable for all the things he has broken of mineat the times he has acted out destroying my personal property. I have been reading your articles for about a year now. Yes I have been working at making our home and relationship safe and secure thanks to the information that you provide and I can see a definite change in my husband. 7 Alexia Demidova The Truth: Once you know, you know and can never unlearn it. and yet, he BLAMES ME and texted me just the other day about how hurt and angry he is. I sit here feeling alone, empty, worn outas usual, he was in his funk, I was invisible most of the time to him, his excuse is his job issues(once again). I told them he wasnt ready and needed to learn how to be a father and husband first. Nar may never learn, but they will pay for their mistakes at their own hand. When getting orders for your second deployment you told me that you didnt feel it would be ok for you to pay for your part of the car payment if you were not going to drive it. I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. She tells me the affair is over (actually, she insists it never happened most of the time; though I have evidence to the contrary) and she is still working for the guy she had the affair with. Its not easy, but that is how the trust grows. Relation was ok, he has done many things which I know now were just leading up to hell. (We were married for seven years and have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now.) It is great that you understand boundary setting so well. Like a fool I tried to withdraw the charges but the state took over and would not allow it. Through 15 years of marriage he was never faihful and treated our children and me disrespectfully. If the man really almost kills you, than leaving is probably the best thing. Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. for 2 years before we divorced and hosted multiple person sex parties where anything goes. I had an affair a year ago, I told him, and it is over. In this Narcissistic form of social justice, holding personal accountability as an activist, is viewed as an automatic, one-down position, where the oppressor has "won". I dont want to get you in trouble, it just scares me and I dont know what else to do.. I do not claim to be without my own issues. What there is is putdowns, anger, blaming, no empathy, selfishness, baiting me to get me drawn into arguments, and lack of accountability in the small things in life such as chores or simply doing what he has said he will do in a million small ways. To me he is like a predator sucking the happiness out of his prey and then throwing them away when they are sad. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts. Did not EVER think he would leave me. I thought this would be easier than the long, drawn out emotional battles with me trying to get him to be accountable in our relationship. I think if I respond with a more idiotic statement, the liars will see the light. (4) he lied to me every day, hides stuff and he verbally attacks me telling me what a liar, I am, how I lie lie lie lieWhen he is the only liar. Thank you! My counselor told me that he would understand if I stuck with the relationshipbut he needed me to know that even the strongest of women are affected on some level that they may not even realize and that many of his current older clients are suffering dire consequences of enduring this behavior long term. Write in a journal, do something good for yourself. They dont out run their lessons. Getting our own relationship situations under our control with Gods help..is not optional if we want to live all the numbers of our days offered to us at birth. 14) When it was your daughters birthday keep in mind she is 8 and I was worried about you not buying her a present and letting her know you loved her. Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. I do sometimes text my husband if I need to ask something or tel him something he may or may not freak about. I met my friend over 30 years ago. Well long story short, I have made the decision to end the relationship because I have finally realized that he has been using, abusing and manipulating me and it has nearly destroyed me. So that is something that should raise a warning flag in their mind, if for no other reason than to cover their own butt. I have a beautiful daughter which is not his, but whom he has been in her life for more than half her life. There is a part of me that wonders if I am narcissistic too, or that maybe I am misdiagnosing. Maybe if i had not had all the losses and children and could have spent my life concentrating on working on him there could have been hope but i think it is unlikely. Thankfully, I can now see the forest for the trees and can see his manipluation and deceit for what they are. Your email address will not be published. Hes got issues with alcohol which I believe can be closely tied with narcissism. I still get constant emails wishing me well and statements of regret and promises hoping Ill return someday. I really love him , and after pulling things back together, I feel weak , and I dont know how to handle him or myself. He turned that into I am insecure. I have purchased all the books here and recommend them highly. Unfortunately, my marriage held no hope. [], Your email address will not be published. In. Be bold be smart be loving be caring be humble and then if he fails to respond positively Id say there is a problem, he may be preoccupied with something he cant talk to you about could be some issue at work or family, he could be bullied at work but doesnt see it as bullying. If anyone knows what resources will be of help to me, please let me know. Ok, comeback lines for the provocation mentioned before, Kim ideas are welcome: He (saying that doing a favour for one of his attractive female colleagues saved his day, sighing): X, what you are saying hurts me and it reminds of your affair and I instantly feel afraid that you will do this again. Read them all cover to cover first, and then start following the steps and doing the exercises. We are now over a year on and to this day I still love him but not the same way. There is NOTHING you can do and even attempting to manage is not worth the headache and most times doesnt work anyways. He has drained it! 30 years later and the situation is only different in that I never set boundaries with her. Your a God send. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. I dont know what the problem was that you entered counselling about but if he is truly sorry he will accept the new rules of engagement. I look at it like a job now. The most important factor in this seems to be TRUST. This has been my experience of Narcissists. My story is not so different from many documented here. It seems that people like this can move on so easily without a second thought about you or the pain, anguish, and despair they cause to those they leave in their wake.. Im hoping to share and hear more with everyone. Leopards never change their spots, they just get darker and he is up to all his old tricks and then some. Lawyers have said to put all vehicles in my name. Keep in mind that you earn more than I do and that I am raising two children. When you have someone who repeatedly lies to you, who frequently doesn't care about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, who cheats on youthis is where we have to come in and make them accountable because they're not going to do it on their own. Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. It is almost as if. Everyone makes choices, let them be formed by their consequences. When someone is being selfish and KNOWS theyre being selfish or not accountable for bad behavior, I really want them to understand how mean and hurtful theyre being, and how theyre creating fallacies merely to rationalize it to escape blame. Great information! Ive now found myself again, and this website. Hi Kim. I can be just who I plan to be. I have become physically ill from this(lungs). Hi Harrison and welcome I understand your feelings and hear that you are hurting. Hi Michelle, I cannot urge you strongly enough to purchase Back From the Looking Glass. Hold yourself accountable. The ultimate problem within them is selfish pride. Kim has also said this. Ann (response 38) hit the nail on the head. I said that I would speak for him and get the whole world off his back and all he had to do was be quiet and useful and learn what it was like at home with him not around. 3. Ive walked on eggshells for years and hes totally screwed my head ! 1. I cant trust him yet of course. In my heart I know its not over, but things are far from good! More importantly, they have no affective empathythe ability to feel what another person is feelingmuch less have compassion for others. How does sex work in these relationships? Its perfect in every way. He feels I am wronging him by leaving. 1. Linda, thanks for your insight. The thing for my friend is he doesnt want me to leave him so I try to become a safe person for him all the while being very careful to not become his victim. Narcissism in itself does not describe rape. I will try the technic to make someone else be the bad guy, but I dont know if I may have waited to long. It took 2-3 years and Ive moved on, but the apology from him finally gave me the closure I needed. Also you need to make sure first that your bosses have the backbone to deal with these people. Im sure that your ideas will help many people. They have forgiven you time and time again. I worked with a woman who had NPD. As we dont live together, but see us on a daily basis (working together), there is no chance to verify, what he is actually doing. He is now getting these fixes by yet another activity. Most of our issues now revolve around money. Im going out for a sandwich and coffee. Here's why a narcissist may cry when someone dies: Attention - to shift the spotlight of the whole event onto them and claim as much of the focus as possible. Thanks to all of you as well. I really think your theory is wise! Your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine was. Thanx for clarifying. Pay attention to what your partner does more than what he or . I do love this man. Steve did get very enraged when I first started setting boundaries but as it was about what I would not live with for myself rather than me putting myself above him there was still room for him to come down out of his ivory tower and be with me once the corner he had painted himself into had become too uncomfortable. My children and now oldest granddaughter cant believe how I do it with him. One thing I am puzzled about is how do these people keep their jobs with all of the chaos they can cause such as in the case with Catherine. I am all ears for any suggestions, because right now its hard to sayits o.k. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. I get it you want me out because I am of no use to you anymore Rejection. I switched tacks and did something close to what you described. Hi John I really feel for what you are going through. Did he just not bond with me and I did with him and that is why this seems harder? Hope that the blindness of narcissism, the torment it brought to our marriage, and the happiness it stole, will somehow heal itself, like a cut on a finger. My partners behaviour is exactly the way you describe. Not throwing it in his face but letting him know that he is not the only person in my life. Maintain Boundaries. How do I protect them? Hi Kim And at times it does work. Hi Cindy, There is advice about how to get him to leave at the end of back from the Looking Glass (-: When my husband would say something similar to that I would respond with I will/can only take responsibility/accountability for my half/end of the situation, NOT your half/end of it. For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. He also said we dont have kids, theres no reason to stay together. Though I have not seen much online regarding this, I wonder if their bond with children is because these men are also very delicate and child likethat they dont understand their own emotions, and have no self reflection. Your indifference is their kryptonite. I have not heard anyone talk about sex on this website. Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). If money is borrowed I have to ask him to please find a way to make his own money through employment. He is so fake but good at it with others. I have adopted his ways of thinking. All the Best! Really tough though. In an article, "How Narcissistic Parenting Affects Children," Karyl McBride, Ph.D lists the following as just a few potential effects: The child won't feel heard or seen. True, it is impossible without Gods help and others support! His behaviour towards me and the children became so bad he was forced to move out by court order. If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. I made clinical decisions about consequences and my role became the enforcer of boundaries. I told him that I would, because of your advise, & I was so scared to follow through, but I did. Two weeks after the birth when we/I set up a date to meet, to top it all off, when I realised he hadnt told his Dad (who he was living with) about our son he proceded to tell me that he wanted to tell his Dad Id just surprised him with a baby.as it would make him look bad.